AM I IMAGINING THIS, TERRIFIED

AT LOSING WHAT GOD GAVE ME?
WILL MY GUILT AND TREPIDATION

WIN THIS WAR AND THEN ENSLAVE ME?
I SEE A SEA OF FELLOW "SURVIVORS"
WHO MOSTLY MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED
THAT IT HAS OVERWHELMED ME.
I FEEL I'M THE ONE TO BLAME
LIKE SOMEHOW I SHOULD HAVE BEEN

MORE PREPARED
OR SHOULD BE LESS SCARED.
MY WAY OF FIGHTING

IS NOT TO ACCEPT THE TRUTH.

AT LEAST CAN I LEAVE A SHADOW OF DOUBT?

THAT IT'S NOT THE DISEASE

THAT MEDICAL SCIENCE HAS IDENTIFIED AS PD?

 

 

 

Paid on my phone bill
Had a good walk
Wish I were able
to have a good talk,
but my highways of communication
are blocked by frustration, consternation.
Fear that my words will be misconstrued?
Afraid that I'll lose it and just come unglued?
or that my mind -garden needs fertilizer,
starving for food.
I can't say what I mean,
concentrate on one scene
for each memory holds pain.
Don't want to go there again.
It's a crazy, obsessively boring refrain.
No one else can control
these thoughts as they unfold.
I need to escape this habitual mold.
I don't want to die
but I need a good cry,
to be honestly, humanly
free from the lie.
I'm impaired by conditions
beyond my control.

I must beat back the negative,

look to my soul.

    

     

It's sometimes hard to be ones self
When things seem to have changed
and things you took for granted
are somehow rearranged.
Man with 2 arms now has one,
but needed just the other one.
2 legs for movement were created,
Now one feels gone and this I've hated.
Things that made me think I'm slow,
like understanding, tend to go.

Depression, I don't even want to mention,

for it tends to taunt me

when I even think of
any bad to make a link of.
The Past is gone, but people's ways
are one of Nature's lazy ways,
LIke those who haven't overthrown
the powers from their parent's throne.
You'll notice I don't even mention
The disease that causes so much tension.
Well, that's because it wouldn't matter
What it was my life it shattered.
Any loss would be as bad,
remind us of the things we had
And kill us, if not, drive us mad.

i had a prejudice,
knew not exactly what it was,
but something to do with the handicapped,
I just know what it does.
It comes from adolescence
when we want to be accepted
and be like others to feel safe,
belonging and connected
to something that defines the way
we want to be and often stay.
Someone unlike us could not be
understood by fools like me,
but everyone, they should be free
to be the way we are.

Not to say I was a snob,
kept to myself, was not a slob.
Felt flirting, that was just my job.
Now, I know I sought acceptance,
Love despite my gross ineptance,
arising from dishonesty
I got from my own family.
My Mother felt uncomfortable

with intimacy,
As did my Dad, this coming from

their histories.
The only way, to get away
from their destructive influence.
To find my own best self again
go back to how it should have been.

10:23 PM 7/9/01