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Last weekend we were lucky enough to find a last minute deal for a
vacation to Jamaica. We leave next Sunday and are very excited. While
surveying my summer wardrobe, I realized that I would have to buy a new
bathing suit. This daunting task has been my major mission in life this
week! (If you are a man, go back to sleep. Nothing has changed. You can
wear the same suit that you picked up on sale at K-Mart several years
ago). But if you’re a woman you’ll know how traumatic the purchase of a
new suit can be.
To help you to fully appreciate the magnitude of this job, I really need
to set the scene. The temperature is –19 degrees Celsius, (2 below), the
wind chill makes it feel like –35. In the deep freeze of a true Canadian
winter, you need to bundle up in at least five layers of clothing, clear
last night’s snow and ice off your car, slip and slide down side streets
until you reach a major artery that has had the attentions of a
snowplow, drive to the mall and find a parking spot within half a mile
of the doors.
Then there is the task of finding a store that sells bathing suits in
the dead of winter. It took me about an hour to complete all of this
preliminary work; I finally arrive at the bathing suit store. Now, I
don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve bought a bathing suit but
most you will likely know that bathing suit fashions have changed along
with your figure over the last few years. You quickly realize that most
of these changes have not been to your advantage. All of the size two
bikinis and thongs are on the model in the store window. They are
bright, colourful and sexy. The clerk took one look at me and directed
me to the back of the store. “I think you’ll find what you’re looking
for back here, dear. ” There, in the darkness I found all the suits
designed for the “mature” body. They are not really very sexy unless you
like swimming in a padded bra and skirt. There are special suits that
direct attention away from or towards various parts of your body. I
picked a few that looked about the right size and took them to the
change room to try on. No sooner did I squeeze myself into the first one
than the sales clerk came waltzing in to “see how you look”. “Hmm,
you’re long in the torso.” I think it was her nice way of saying, “That
suit is too small and if you continued to squeeze into it something’s
going to give.” After some consideration, she left and returned with a
“tall” version of the same suit.
The mirrors in bathing suit stores are all tilted, in theory, so that
you can how wonderful you look from behind, but in reality so that you
look taller and thinner in all directions. Even with this distinct
advantage I still looked like a sausage that’s about to burst from all
sides. I returned to the special section. They have suits to make your
breasts look smaller, waist enhancers, suits for problem thighs, hip
reducers and bulgy stomachs. But they haven’t yet made the suit that
just sucks your whole body right in so you look like you did thirty
years age. I learned this after trying on about forty suits. In the end
I settled for a neon type of suit, so colourful that it will cause a
reflective glare that no one can really look at without damaging his
eyes. I also figure that I don’t know anyone in Jamaica so why should I
care? I understand there are nude beaches where no one cares what is
hanging out. I might not have to worry about a bathing suit and just
wear my birthday suit.