A few years ago I started losing my mind. I thought I might have Alzheimer’s and feared that diagnoses. I felt as if little pieces of my mind were falling away. It was terrifying. My memory, once precise and quick, was now deteriorating beyond my ability to cover.

 I can’t say it’s gotten any better since I was diagnosed in 1997. I’ve had some harrowing experiences but I’ve learned to deal with them. It took a while to get used to the short spells of forgetting who and where I was. It’s disconcerting to find yourself driving along, suddenly realizing you don’t recognize anything around you.

When I say I’ve learned to deal with it, I mean that I just stopped getting upset about it. I keep driving, knowing that soon I’ll remember where I am. So far I’ve found that I’m near home when I do regain my memory.

 People who know me are aware of just how bad my memory problems are. There’s a difference in how someone with Parkinson’s will perceive my forgetfulness, and how A non-parkie will see it. That’s interesting to me because find this true about other Parkinsonian behaviors as well.

 Usually a non-parkie will say something like “I have the same problem with my memory that you do”. When a person with Parkinson’s says that to me I know it’s true, but when a non-parkie says it, I know they don’t get it. They don’t realize that people with Parkinson’s worry about more than memory, we worry about our sanity. Losing the ability to hold a thought, to focus, is more onerous than just forgetting where you left your car keys. In a naturally aging person who notices that they are becoming more forgetful it may be frustrating but that’s probably all they’ll have to face.

 When I have episodes of forgetfulness it scares me because it could be the onset of dementia. I’ve read the statistics. They vary but this one I found on the Novartis website says that “Nearly three quarters of a group of patients with Parkinson's disease went on to develop dementia within eight years. Previous research has revealed that Parkinson's disease and dementia often occur together.”  

My deteriorating memory is my enemy, and I do battle with it daily. It’s a problem that you can’t really quantify. All I can do is repeat (often) I have a bad memory, and hope for the best. Most of my friends know this to be true and so they remind me of things I need to attend. Occasionally I offend someone who thinks it is an excuse.

I go to great lengths to keep the collection of facts, promises and responsibilities necessary for the maintenance of my daily life in order. I feel that if I fail, if I lose control, it could be the start of a long slide downward. This is why when I have too many episodes of ‘forgetfulness’ it is so disturbing.

 

I’ll list some of my worst forgetful scenarios;

·        Forgetting where I am while driving

·        Forgetting how to spell my name on a check

·        Forgetting my daughter’s name when introducing her

·        Forgetting my phone number (all the time)

·        Forgetting that I have a pot of something cooking on the stove

·        Forgetting the grocery list every time I go to the store

·        Forgetting to take my meds

·        Forgetting that I just took my meds and taking them again

·        Forgetting how old I am

·        Forgetting what I am talking about

  

There are a few things I’m afraid I might forget;

• I might forget how to drive while I’m driving somewhere

• I’m afraid I’ll be in a store someday and realize I forgot to put my pants on when I  left the house

• I could forget my own name

• I’m afraid that I’ll forget to pay a bill and will have the power (or phone, water) turned off.