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SQUARE EGGS AND EXPLODING HAMSTERS
By John Crusey

“What’re you doing with that egg?”
“Honey, I got me a great idea, an’ if it works we’ll live like kings for the rest of our lives”

Charlotte's eyes locked on her husband’s,

“This isn’t like the milk jug thing, is it?”

“No! Nothing like that. And that should o’ worked too. Paintin’ the jugs black and puttin’ them on the roof full of water ... they should o’ soaked up enough heat from the sun to keep us warm all winter. How was I supposed to know those ol’ rafters couldn't take the load.”

“Did you even think what 5,000 gallons of water weighs? With what the repairs cost we could of heated this place like a sauna for the next ten years and still had money left”

“All I'm sayin’ is, it should o’ worked. But that ain't got nothing to do with this here egg.”

 “Okay, Earl Cole ... enlighten me with your wisdom and vision.”

“I was makin' me some breakfast yesterday, an’ I got a couple eggs out of the fridge and set ‘em on the counter, there by the stove. Well, one got to rollin' around and first thing ya know it dropped off and splattered on the floor.”

“I know. That’s where I found it when I got up.”

“I would of cleaned it up, but yesterday was the start of Ace’s big tool sale, an’ I just didn't have time ...router bits was half-price an’ I got a hell of a deal on some 400 grit sandpaper.

Anyhow, it come to me. An egg shell's soft when a chicken squeezes it out. Guess it makes the job easier for ‘em. Then the shell sets up in the nest. So I’m thinkin’, if I could find somethin¹ that would reverse that process an’ soften the shell, I could stick it in a mold and make me a square egg.”

Charlotte’s eyes blinked,

“A square egg?”

“Yeah! Think of it. They wouldn’t roll around, and hell, you could even stack ‘em, they’d save room in the fridge.”

“Gonna use your head for a model?”

“Dammit Charlotte, it's a good idea. All I have to do is find the right solvent to soften the shell.”

“Solvent?”

“Yeah, you know, alcohol, gasoline, penetrating oil ... something’s bound to work.”

“We’re talking about food here, not a motorcycle.

“Hey Dad!”

Earl looked up to see eleven-year-old Earl Junior walking into the kitchen.

“Hi son, whatcha need?”

“It'¹s time to go. Game starts in forty-five-minutes, an’ I’m gonna be late for batting practice.”

“Okay, okay. Let me start this egg soakin’ in somethin’ an’ I’ll meet ya at the car.”

It was about 40-minutes later when Charlotte heard the back door open and Earl shouting,

“Bastards! I¹m gonna sue!”

“Earl, what’s wrong?!”

“They shouldn’t allow parking where they’re gonna hit baseballs! We got a dent in the roof you could plant flowers in!” “Well, that would make our car special, wouldn’t it? Not that the primered fender and blue door don¹t already set it apart, but a bouquet of daffodils sticking out of the roof would be a nice touch, don't you think?”

“You know I’m fixin’ it up. Now we got a dent! I chased the little bastard that done it, an’ I’d a caught him too if that big ape hadn’t come bustin’ off the bleachers and tackled me. Tore my pants. I’m gonna sue! There I was, pinned under this gorilla an¹ the little son-of-a-bitch I was chasin' actually turned and gave me a one finger salute as he rounded third base.” Earl sighed heavily and limped to the basement door.

“I’m gonna go check my egg.”

It was a couple hours before Earl reappeared from the basement bubbling with excitement.

“I done it. I done it! Look at this.”

“Well, I don't believe it.”

Charlotte said in genuine amazement, staring at the white cube in her husband’s hand

”How on earth did you do that?”

“I just soaked it in some stuff I mixed up for about 15-minutes an’ the shell got kind o’ rubbery. I told you I could do it! Now we gotta try it out.”

“Try it out? How? What do you mean?”

“I’m gonna cook it.”

“That thing could be poison. Don't you dare eat it.”

“I was figurin’ on lettin’ Earl Junior's hamster have a go at it. If that works I’ll move up to the cat, then the dog, then me. But I'm kinda torn about usin’ the dog. Maybe I’ll grab one o’ them kids from across the street.”

“I’d like to stay an’ watch the “Earl Cole Science Show”, but I need to get a few things at the store. Be back in a little bit.”

To Charlotte’s surprise Earl met her at the door when she got back home.

“Hi Honey. Let me help you with those bags.” “Why ... why, thank you Earl.”

They put the groceries on the kitchen counter, and Earl said,

“I’m glad You’re back, ‘cause I need the car to run an errand before Little Earl gets home.”

 “Oh, what’s that?”

“Nothin' really ... By the way, one hamster looks pretty much like another, don’t it? I mean they¹re hard to tell apart, ain’t they?”

“What happened?”

“Honest to God, I don¹t know. I mean, who knew those things could blow up like that?”