Knock, knock.  Who’s there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana be alone!

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Does Parkinson’s Cause Introversion? 

by Chris Hall

Extraverts are people who need to be with others in order to “recharge their batteries”. They draw energy and inspiration from others. Introverts tend to receive their energy from within and tire when in the company of others. It has been noted that people with Parkinson’s seem to be a largely introverted population.  They are often seen to be sleeping in the presence of others, popping pills to escape serious conversation and leaving parties early – all signs of a serious aversion to extraversion and inversely a tendency toward a new version of introversion; termed as “Parkieoersion”.

  After observing this Greta Garbo retreat-like syndrome, this reporter started to do a little research and came across some pretty serious stuff.   This does not happen because people with Parkinson’s are not party animals, or because they have become anti-social, or even because no one likes them anymore.  In fact, given the right crowd, some Parkies can be outgoing and occasionally downright rambunctious. They likely represent the statistics of the general population and have among them a few more extraverts than introverts. But, people with Parkinson’s have some special conditions to cope with that might incline them to somewhat more introverted behaviours than the typical, run-of the-mill citizen. 

 The following is a self-scoring inventory that has been developed as a result of intensive research into the condition. If you observe or experience more than three of the following symptoms you either have, or are dealing with Parkieoersion.  Although the condition is incurable, with help and understanding, the afflicted can lead a normal and fulfilling life. Given the right combination of strong drugs with somewhat noxious side effects, the syndrome can be controlled to the point where the person appears almost normal. Recent research indicates that an extraversion-inducing cure is five to ten years away but new discoveries are being made every day and there is cause for hope.

 PARKIEOVERSION  Self-Scoring Inventory

If you can check three or more of the following, you should seek professional advice. You may be suffering from Introversion caused by Parkinson’s Disease. 

1. At parties you only dance when the DJ plays “Shakin’ All Over”
2. Cocktail making is your only strength
3. A “freeze” does not indicate below zero temperatures
4. You feel invisible; your lips move but no one seems to hear you
5. People compare you to the pope and you’re not Catholic
6. A beeper goes off and you reach for your pill box
7. In a race the turtle always beats you
8. The thought of even whispering to more than one other person makes you tremble
9. You wonder which of your friends keeps tripping you
10.  You are wide awake when everyone else is asleep
11.  You can’t dress or undress without getting an item of clothing stuck on some part of your anatomy
12.  If a button pops open, you’re in trouble
13.  Your friends keep checking to see if you’ve fallen down the toilet
14.   Walmart knows to open new cash desks as soon as you get in line
15.   You can no longer keep up in “Simon Says”