GREASED LIGHTNING

"Honey, the doctor says the burns aren't that bad, and skin grafts will take care of most of the scars.   He says I'll be outta here in a couple weeks."

"I told you the day you married him, he was an idiot."

"Mother, please!   He could've been killed. Now, can you tell me what the hell you were doing? ... And this better be good!"
   
"It was scientific research Honey.   You've heard the saying, Faster than greased lightning, well, I wanted to find out how much faster greased lightning is, compared to un-greased lightning."

"He's a complete idiot."

"Mother!"

"Anyhow, Albert knows a guy who works in some kind of lab for M.I.T., and we borrowed some instruments that can measure the speed of lightning. Guess I'm going to have to pay for that stuff too. Well, we heard about the big storm rolling in today and got ready up on Baker's Hill."

"Got ready?"

"Yeah, we went over to the rendering plant and got a 55-gallon drum of lard and melted it down to a liquid, then hooked a high pressure pump to it and screwed on a fire hose. Now, here's the slick part. We figured we couldn¹t measure two different bolts of lightning, because who says they all travel at the same speed?  I mean our Taurus isn¹t near as fast as a Ferrarri, is it?"

"You may be right, Mother."

"Now, just hear me out.  Ben Franklin¹s wife probably gave him fits too. What we planned to do was measure the same shot of lightning, greased and un-greased."

"Did the doctor say anything about brain damage?"

"Albert and me aren't stupid.  We knew what we were doing."

"It's a wonder you both didn'¹t drown, looking up in the rain."

"We kept our mouths closed.   Besides, lightning can go from the ground up, or come from the clouds down.   We weren't always looking up. We went to the top of the hill and I got up on a stepladder with the hose. Whichever way the lightning come from we'd measure its speed, then I'd squirt it with the lard, and we¹d see if it was any faster leaving."

"Let me get this straight. You were sitting on top of a ladder up on Baker's Hill in a thunder storm?"

"Yeah."

"Didn't that make you the highest thing around?"

"Yeah."

"Doesn't lightning usually hit the tallest thing?"

"I thought of that too, Honey. That's why I took two pair of my rubber boots along and put the legs of the stepladder in them.  I was insulated."

"Only thing you¹re insulated from is reality!  I'm not telling the kids what happened, they should have some respect for their father, no matter what."

"Don¹t worry Honey.   I'll be outta this hospital faster than greased ....... oh, never mind."