Obsessive Compulsive Behavior
The Lord has been good to me and you. He saw fit to bring us together and bless
us with cherished friendships through the commonality of a disease that has no
regard for age, sex or socio economic background.
We as a group can understand how precious these bonds are to
us. I liken them to a life preserver thrown to me in the seas of a disease that
blinds many of its victims with depression so murky that it feels impossible to
be pulled back into the warmth of reality without one or two of our members. In
actuality these angels, I believe, are formed in the image and likeness of the
risen Lord and lovingly lift us up and keep us from disaster. God is everywhere
we look but most of all in the faces of those that surround us.
Now for the heart of my story and believe me
when I
tell you this
is taking courage to write.
About seven years ago my husband took me to Vegas. I recall it well as the PD
was just starting to emerge and making walking quite difficult. Two blocks
seemed like two miles. And I hate to lose money. I lost $15.00 one evening and
felt like it was the end of the world. Basically, I grew up happily unaware of
my family's low income background. I recently learned of an uncle that saw our
pantry one day and its sparseness and immediately went and stocked it with
staples and treats that he knew kids love but were rarities in our house. My
clothes were always clean but I will say gently used by someone else. My
Godmother would buy me an outfit every year for my birthday and how I remember
each of those precious outfits. Today my own daughter needs a double closet that
overflows with seldom used clothes. I was color blind as our neighborhood was
bi-racial, and did I learn to skip rope from the experts! You could walk
anywhere and everywhere and feel safe. I sometimes took a bus ride alone at age
8, and mom was comfortable with that. Getting back to the point, this instilled
a conscience of giving to others when needed but also of saving for my future.
At age 20, I was able to pay for a 350-person wedding reception at a lovely
banquet hall, and my husband just purchased with cash a brand new Malibu. We
honeymooned at Niagara; not on the Norwegian Cruise line, but we were blessed
beyond measure.
I have experienced rough times in life as I know we all have at one time or
another. But none has been rougher that the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder I now
face - gambling. I had to quit my job at 48 because of the PD and was thrown
into a depression state I call "uselessness." To make a long story short for
purposes here, it was internet gambling, because my legs no longer could keep up
with the hour drive to downtown Detroit. Funny thing is, I never wanted casinos
to come to Detroit because I felt they preyed on the underprivileged. Once I
went to the Hazel Park racetrack with my son and his date. That night I lost
maybe $5 or $6 dollars (told you I was a cheapskate)! But my eyes clearly saw a
young black boy and his father. The son was saying, "Daddy, I thought you said
this was going to be the big win, and we were going to go home?" Dad, in the
meantime, was kicking the wall; and I suspected had just blown the last of his
paycheck.
Three years ago I was placed on Mirapex and have since learned that OCB strikes
many of us with PD who are on this drug. I didn't put the two together till my
neuro sat down one day and went over the med list. Till then I was too
embarrassed to mention my behavior change to anyone. I tell you this now, never
be too ashamed to tell your doctor anything. There could be underlying reasons
for altered behaviors. I stopped the drug and saw an improvement, but not an end
to this learned behavior.
Through therapy I have learned that gambling is my
never-never land of escape from troubles around me as well as escapism from the
effects of PD ravaging my body. I am in counseling know, (funded oddly enough by
the casinos themselves and the gaming commission in Michigan). I attend GA
meeting and my husband attends meetings for spouses. I have lost money that will
take a long time to repay against my home equity, but more than that I have lost
respect for the person I know lies within.
If you think you are experiencing OCB of any kind contact your neuro. It almost
destroyed me but I have come out of my hidden closet to help others. I am far
from perfect, I have had my slips backwards. OCB ruins marriages and
relationships. If you think less of me after reading this story that's fine
because if I have helped another person out there, it is worth it.
Next month I'd like to discuss the effect of OCB on our caregivers. Bless them
for standing by us. Till then..... "Joy in your heart and a smile on your face."
I am publishing my phone number 586-786-0684 if you would like to talk privately
or even anonymously. You may reach me by email at gunnyswife68@yahoo.com
Love from the Heart,
Carolyn
