Well, here I sit with my daughter, the night before my DBS, and I realize that there is a new dawn coming - so to speak. The question that comes to my mind is how to take maximum advantage of it. I left the house tonight to get some magazines, and as I drove away from the magazine stand, I realized that they boys would be in bed and that I haven't said goodbye to them.

As a family, I think we were in denial of what. waited for us. I came back home and Nathan was very upset, because he was afraid I was going to die. I assured him that would not be the case, as I thought to myself, "How am I to know?" It scares the crap out of me. After time, the boys got to sleep. They were so beautiful, laying there asleep. I realized I had stopped looking at them asleep. Tonight I stood and looked, and realized what a great gift I have. It comes to my mind, that Parkinson's Disease is used by many to avoid life. Parkinson's siren song tantalizes you in and depression keeps you there. We exchange reality for the cyber world - not that that's necessarily bad - if those around you don't have to pay the price.

My head goes from feeling like an empty 55 gallon oil drum to an explosion of thoughts, random pictures and sounds that have no origin nor make sense. Big events often bring things into close focus. When you look at where you've been and wonder where you're going, and then factor in the facts that, physically, you know you are going downhill with the disease. Well, let's just say it's hard to be an "up" person under the given circumstances. LOL.

Well, we have jumped through all the medical "hoops", so to speak. My blood is clotting, my heart beats, and they tell me that, other than Parkinson's Disease, I am very healthy. (Now there's a moot point if I've ever heard one) I came to the realization that the worse thing in the world for me, would be not to have my family. I was thinking about possible outcomes of this surgery and the thought of dying had a certain allure to it. Then I just flashed on my family's faces, with tears streaming down their face, and knew that my job
was to survive at all costs. It's all been an interesting journey to date, and here I sit with my daughter, Amy, who is typing for me, and I just think of all the missed opportunities.

I often look at Amy and wonder what the heck is going on in her head, but I usually do not know. You know what's funny, is that I'm sitting here thinking that I should be scared. ..but I'm not. Then I think I should be excited.. .but I'm not. I just am. And it's not a particularly fun place to be. Not too many people get as big of a second chance at life as I am about to receive. It will be very interesting to see how I deal with it.

Charlie Black