Toadie's archives
     |
|
Toadie's archives
|
 |
| back to entrance |
December 29, 2001
Fear I have good days and bad physically. Some days my mind is sharp and clear.
Sometimes, mentally, I feel simple minded. I can't think of words, stutter,
everything comes out badly because it's like I have a limited vocabulary. I
don't understand things, memory & comprehension? My mind has become slower than
my body. It's getting a little scary because it's not typical pd. But, then
again neither am I.
December 28, 2001
As I read yesterday's post again, I wondered if many people thought I was
bragging about stuff. I can be a real ass at times, but I hope a braggart isn't
a part of being me. I hope you saw behind the "what I got stuff" and listened to
the importance that I place on family. At any rate, I got my first long term
disability check yesterday. My appointment for my social security disability
interview is on Jan 2 at 9:00 am. I'm nervous about it, I bought a pair of
slacks today. All of my dress clothes are too big for me and more than a few
years out of style. (We wore uniforms at the place I retired from. But in
Alabama, I didn't leave the house without a full face of make-up. and Please
don't tell anyone I used to wear pink dresses, pink pumps and accessorize
properly. ivory dresses with
ivory hose, shoes, you get the idea, acck the times i got in trouble over that
stupid dress code at work...I wore what I was supposed to but there was always a
quirk, long skirts, too short skirts, boots, or nice jackets and slacks with
flannel shirts) Now, all I wear are jeans and boots mostly. My jeans are getting
too big, so I tried on some jeans today, they were too big. I don't mind wearing
Jennifer's hand-me-downs clothes, but she has flares and bell-bottoms for jeans.
Yes, platform shoes, clogs, razor cuts, feathered hair, disco music, (accccck)
are still popular up here for the high school kids. If you can offer some
general advice about ssdi or such to calm my nerves, i'd appreciate it.
December 28, 2001
I think I will slide off the face of the earth for a few days, give everyone a
break from my endless prattle.lol
December 27, 2001
Johnny, Jennifer, Christopher and I had opened all of our gifts at 1:00 am.
Wrapping paper strowed across the floor by 2:00 am. lol I made out like a bandit
with a new cpu, a light weight soft silvery tunic sweater, a fat charcoal grey
sweater, 2 boxes of chocolate covered cherries, a big box of chocolates from
Chris, a new pair of black dressy shoes with big boxy toes, a Harley shirt with
Dragons on it (like Sandy’s), Jennifer got me a naughty red and black lace tank
top, and a couple of regular tank tops, Johnny gave me a much needed new
bathrobe, (my comfortable old robe (or wubby) is threadbare in places) 4 new cds,
Kid Rock, Shakira, Toby Kieth, and Fat Boy Slim, I know it’s an odd
combination.lol Poor Johnny had asked for a gun cabinet, but hadn’t gotten one.
When Forist and Jason came over, they brought over a surprise present for
Johnny. The gun cabinet, that I had stashed at his house. Johnny was so tickled
and surprised with it,lol. We all had such a good time, eating, talking,
visiting, just being together. I got another box of choclates, 2 gargolye lamps,
hand warmers, some eye make up from my sister and 2 beautiful delicate
bracelets, Mom gave me some soaps and powders and a beautiful necklace. The only
minor mar on the day was when Forist (my brother) went to fix Mom’s Christmas
dinner plate, she refused and insisted that I make it for her. I told her that
he has raised 3 boys and knows how to fix a plate better than I do. Mom hurt his
feelings. I think that Mom still has unresolved issues with Dad and that she
carries it over to Forist because Forist is nearly the spitting image of
my Dad. (Forist bore the full brunt of Mom’s abuse for years and yet he has a
kind, gentle forgiving heart, he always tries to be kind and affectionate
towards her, even she meets him with unkindness at times.) Later on in the day,
I worked on some drawings for my brother. He has done so much
work and is remodling my Mom’s old house. It will be beautiful when he finishes.
The huge kitchen is 14 foot by 15 foot, so I was drawing the cabinets and giving
him some ideas of what it may look like. He is a very patient man, which is very
helpful because I am so slow. He nearly walks on water as far as I’m concerned,
warts and all.
December 27, 2001
This year, I recieved the best Christmas gift I’ve ever had. Johnny cooked
Christmas dinner for the clan. All I had to do was get the groceries and make a
menu with which stuff I usually prepared on Chrsitmas Eve (like cornbread
dressing, pies, ect) and which stuff had to wait, you know, like veggies, mashed
potatoes and gravies. We had turkey,ham, cornbread dressing, mashed potatoes,
turkey gravy and mushroom gravy,peas, corn, greenbean casserole, cran-raspberry,
whole berry, and plain cranberry sauces, pickles,olives, cheeses, fresh rolls
(my sister-in-law made from scratch). Christopher made the pecan pies, Jennifer
made the cheesecakes from my favorite recipe, and Johnny made the pumpkin pies.
I had bought a tray of pastries from Sam’s that was out of this world. My sister
brought fudge, sugar cookies, brownies, and spice cookies. So I’ll be gaining
back all the weight I
lost, and my meds will be probably be off for weeks.lol I went and got my Mom,
she was so looking forward to coming home for Christmas. My brother, Forist, his
wife Karen, and one of my nephews, Jason came over. My sister Jenny, and her
twin 6 year old girls, Harley and Stacey came over. (Harley tells people I have
a motorcycle named after her. lol) That’s the clan. We were all quite happy with
all the foods, the no fuss on my part, I could actually relax and enjoy
everybody’s company for a change.
December 23, 2001
I think I forgot to mention something in my idle ramblings last night. It seems
that no matter how well we prepare for the life we plan, things have a way of
changing. I have 5 dogs, one likes to sneak off to roll in dead stuff and then
saunter back to the house. I can't ignore them and act like they don't stink.
They get mad with me because they get washed. I choose not to dwell on the
negative, because it is draining,and exhausting. A smile comes easier to me than
a frown. Living away from people like a hermit has it's tolls. There are times
when the goodness, kindness and greatness of the heart and spirit of a friend or
relative makes me want to rejoin the world. Drawn back to the land of the
living, like a candlefly to light... Sandy has been one of those strong
individuals, an unconditional friend who cares for me (and others), warts and
all. She touches the lives of others with an unselfish, caring, love
and gentle healing spirit.
December 23, 2001
I’ve been doing some thinking.(I know you're thinking, oh-oh here we go
again,lol) I know I tend to over analyze things, so pardon me while I sort this
out on paper, so to speak. We lived on a farm in Northern New York. I was the
little fat girl in grade school and middle school who was teased for being a
“have not” (no money, not the right house, hair, clothes, ect) Things were
simpler then, I could fend for myself. I was also the bulldog that took on the
school yard bullies that picked on my friends. My brothers taught me how to
fight, so I seldom, if ever fought with girls. I never learned to pull hair,
scratch or do the endless snide stuff that my sisters did. (you know, snide
comments like you have ugly knees or fat feet) But, I sent a few boys home with
black eyes and I went home with a few black eyes, too. I’ve always worked with
men or predominately male oriented fields of work, like the military
and drafting. So I tend toward bluntness. I also have a bit of a temper that
bites me in the butt at times. I’ve seen the “World” at its’ bright and shiney
best. I’ve also seen the darkness. It has taken a lot of years to recognize
that, I suppose I push people away to protect or insulate myself from the
effects or potential damage of emotionally investing in people. No, I don’t
think it’s all pd, I can behave quite badly all by myself. Just as I can be nice
all by myself. I’m a little further down the pd road than a lot of folks are. It
has progressed in a downward spiral pitch over the last few years. I have little
time, effort or patience for the few who choose to belittle me or the things I
do. Feeling pity and shaking my head at them, for wasting their good or “on
time” and efforts in such a futile and negative way. I can’t change someone’s
whole life time of experiences and the way they look at life or things with a
few words. I suppose this disease magnifies your true character, the goodness
and the not so good. A part of learning to forgive ourselves and others. The
choices are ultimately your own to make.
December 22, 2001
Thank you for the beautiful lights, Pwinkle, You are absolutely awesome! Merry
Christmas to you and yours!
December 18, 2001
Well, it is done. I finally asked Johnny to fill out my Social Security
disability application and function report for me. After struggling with my
pride and the forms for the last 3 months of trying to fill out the forms, a
question a day or so, worrying, fretting, nightmares and getting generally wound
up in knots. I know I made it worse thn what it actually I couldn't figure out
what exactly I needed to write, list and explain all the symptoms, then how they
effect my ability to work. I get hung up on all the details.
Overwhelmed,frustrated because I don't "get it." I can't really understand it
all any more. and end up doing everything I can to avoid it, and nothing. Accck.
The ADL thing was a huge gauge in my hide. According to the last Social Security
Statement I got, it is a little less than 1/3 of what I made for a living. I
suppose it's better than a sharp stick in the eye.
December 17, 2001
the holidays are almost upon us. johnny has been having a lot of trouble. his
dad passed away in february this year, and it's his first christmas without his
daddy. i wish i could comfort him in a way that would make his grief a less
painful process. grief seems to rekindle around the holidays. i suppose it's
because it is so much about family, love, caring, and sharing. losing a parent
is such aprofound loss. losing a sibling is a different, and difficult kind of
loss to try to put into words. i know what i went through but, i can only
imagine how johnny feels at times. i think it was a couple of years after my dad
passed away, before i could manage to muddle through the holidays. my brother
died (january 8, 1999), a tough and on-going transition, i had felt like i lost
the other half of me. i have to be so careful, because the darkness of all that
threatens to overshadow the good, hide the blessings. i know many
people don't understand the depths of loss, and how it can effect you for such a
long time. the pain may lessen over time, but i'm not sure that you ever stop
missing them. i have so much comfort from so many good memories of my dad,
brother and father- in-law. i only hope to reach some semblence of peace within.
i hope that johnny's pains will ease. he is such a kind and wonderful man, like
his dad in many ways.
December 17, 2001
test?
December 16, 2001
It's been quite a week. Christopher got his cast off on Tuesday, (12/11). He has
to wear a big brace for his knee, and go to physical therapy, and use his
crutches until his next appoitment, on January 8. He is very happy. (me,too)
Wednesday,(12/12) our next door neighbor's house caught fire around 8:30 pm. It
was spit ting rain and the wind was up. There was 5 fire departments trying to
put it out, unfortunately it still burned to the ground. We were very glad that
no one was home or hurt, but they lost their 2 dogs to the house fire. It was
quite horrible, for them to loose their home and everything in it, only a week
before Christmas. The embers from the fire blew up into the wind and as it
shifted directions endangered our house, garage and the neighbor's home across
the road from us. The rain helped the fire departments kept the fire in control.
The firemen were out there until about 3:00 am. The weather conditions must have
made their job a miserable one, cold and raining with the wind start howling. We
were most grateful to their efforts to save the homes. The front of our house
was covered with smoke, but the rain has washed most of it away. This year has
been unseasonably warm and it has snowed a few times since October, but none of
it has lasted long enough to stay. Friday, (12/14) it started snowing, about 3-4
inches. It has finally come to stay. The cold and snow magnify the stiffness,
aches and pains of pd, and that really sucks. Yesterday (12/15), we all got
together and had a dinner for my sister's birthday. (on the 19th she will be 45,
I think,lol.) My sister made roast beef, mashed potatoes and all the trimmings.
Jennifer made deviled eggs and the Mississippi Mud cake, they were absolutely
wonderful. I ate everything, a lot of everything. Oh my, it was all so good. It
all canceled out my meds, mostly my right side froze up. But, I enjoyed all the
food so much, lol. I had lost enough weight that I had to buy new bras, because
my old ones were too big. (After eating so much yesterday, that may change, lol)
It's been nice to be able to find pretty and less expensive bras in my new size.
Instead of having to get "the old grandma" standard functional white bras, that
cost a fortune. I found all the new patterns and colors, they are so pretty, I
haven't bought a plain white one yet.lol
December 09, 2001
Sometimes, I don't realize that I repeat myself. I haven't been sleeping at
night again. Sometimes, when others don't write in their journals for a while, I
feel like I've missed something. Missed a meeting or skipped a page. I try to
remember that everyone has different needs. Maybe there really isn't an audience
for somebody like me. I think most people have enough reality of their own. I
suppose I scare people, maybe I should be a warning to others, so they don't
have to make the same hard-headed mistakes. I doubt I would change much other
than picking up my Harley earlier. On a completely different note, my daughter,
just turned 18 today. She will start college next year, in Alabama. She wants to
go to Troy State. They have a good music-band program. I do miss the football
games and band competitions she used thrive on and go to when we lived in
Alabama. The drummers setting off
car alarms and the ringing in my ears. Jennifer marching on the 50 yard line in
the pouring rain. Squish, squish, squish, in her white band shoes and white
gloves. Wearing clear plastic trash bags over their uniforms. Oh my. I'm getting
sentimental and old. ackkk
December 07, 2001
Oh my, where do these days go? When Johnny gets home from work, I literally
can't remember what to tell him that I did all day. I don't know what all I do,
I just keep doing. Every minute used to be accounted for at work, a set time for
this, a defined sense of an end and beginning, it's all blurring around the
edges. Now, I have no idea where all the time goes. I hope it settles down
soon.I'm beginning to run on empty again. Johnny keeps telling me to slow down,
he says he's afraid that I'll hit another brick wall at 90mph. I think,
somewhere in the back of my head, that I'm afraid to stop for very long, afraid
to freeze. I've never had brakes, so I've always gone flat out. Well, you know,
a parky flat out is a little different. I'm sorry to be rambling, just stuff
that's rattling round in my head, kind of like an empty coke can in the back of
the truck.
December 06, 2001
Hmmm. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I went off on a tangent talking about the air and
such. Well, you are a lot closer to nature on a
motorcycle. Everything seems so different. There’s a sense of peace that I get
when I ride. All’s right with the World. I don’t have
pd for a little while, I’m a part of the motorcycle, a part of the wind. At any
rate, we got all the way out to Whiteface, and rode up
to the summit. The speed limit is 20 mph, roads are steep and twisting, with
hair pin turns and a few almost backward turns. All the
way up, the air temperature is changing, getting cooler and there are different
types and kinds of trees, vegetation, you can even
notice a change in the stones and rocks. There is an observation station there,
we walked up and out to it, instead of taking the
elevator. The panoramic view, overlooks Lake Placid and on a clear day, you can
see Monteal and Vermont (I think). The wind
seems to be constant. Now keep in mind that this is in the late part of June
last year, it was 42 degrees there. I can imagine that it
must be pretty barren, desolate and cold up there in the winter. (A raging
winter storm with the North Winds howling, accck.) We
were surprised to see tiny but hearty little birds, a thick type of grass in
between the rocky crags, and even some poseys. I don’t
know much about flowers, other than I’m allegic to them, so they are all pretty
poseys to me. We enjoyed the scenery for a while.
Then we took the elevator back down. We started back home. We were about 90
miles from home when my tremors kicked in at
full force. Head bobs, Harleys and helmets don’t mix well. I didn’t have any
extra meds with me. So Johnny rode home on his
bike to get the car and more meds, left Christopher with me while I waited at a
rest stop area. My brother and sister-in- law were
kind of worried and upset at first, because they hadn’t seen me in full blast
tremors. I told them they would probably get bored
watching me shake. They asked a few questions, worried that I was hurting, I
tried to calm them by telling them the mosquitos that
were eating us, bothered me more. I still haven’t told them I had chipped my
front tooth with my jaw tremors that day. Johnny
rode home and back in about 2 hours. It was around 9:30 -10:00 at night, the sun
finally going to rest in western sky, in the summer
it’s not fully dark yet. My sister-in-law drove us back to my house. It took
about 40 minutes for the meds to kick in, about an hour
for the head bobs to start subsiding. Like a rotten party guest, the head bob
tremors,are the first ones there and they are the last to
stubbornly leave. That's why I hate dyskinesias so much. That was a learning
experience, so now I carry extra meds, always. It
was a beautiful and exhilarating trip overall. I can still see the brilliance of
the sky, feel the warm wind on my hands while I stretch
my arms up, to greedily reach out to the air. I tend to keep a tight hold to the
good things and let the bad stuff slide.
December 05, 2001
I was thinking about a motorcycle ride we made in June to Whiteface Mountain. A
250 mile round trip trek through the twisting,
winding roads of the Adirondak Mountains. The sights of which is the stuff of
the beautiful post card or calendar scenery. We
started out around 6:00 am, it was about 40 degrees, a bright beautiful sunny
day. A promise of nearing 70 degrees from the
weather forecast. Not as much as a cloud in the sky. The air was alive with
life. As a matter of fact, too much life. I got stung 3
times by bees, as they smacked into my face and neck. The last one got stuck in
my helmet, around my left ear, buzzing and
crawling around trying to escape. The bee was ungrateful and agitated, as I
tried to assist it by poking a gloved finger into a small
clear spot. I ended up jamming my finger into it and got stung on my ear again.
I had to pull off the road and take off my helmet so
I could rid myself of the trapped rancid bee. All this happened within the first
50 miles. We stopped for a butt break, a rest stop
for your backside from riding. We usually stop about every 50-60 or so miles. It
depends on who has to go potty also. Chris has a
10 mile butt, before he starts wiggling and such. My brother and his wife, rode
his Honda, Johnny and Christopher rode his spare
Honda. He had to change the suspension on the Honda, because Christopher is as
big as Johnny is, they bottom out on Johnny’s
Harley (a Super Glide), I had my Harley Sportster. Jennifer went to her friend’s
graduation party. We’ve all ridden together, so we
let my brother lead. I don’t lead because I have no sense of direction and get
lost. My brother thought I wanted him to lead
because he has a big head, and would catch all the bugs first. hehehe But, I get
so busy riding my bike that I just follow the road,
listen to the wind in my ears and the sound of my bike, and feel the air. You
can feel the slightest change in temperatures, down in
a hollow it’s cool, near a river it’s cool and damp, if your going up a hill or
topping a big hill you might get blasted by a gust of ind
so hard that it literally blows you off the road. You can smell rain beforei t
comes, have a misty fog stick to your face, see, feel or
hear the dawn or bugs thats platter or smack you. This is where you can’t be
squeamish about bugs as an organic hair gel. hehehe
As we ride the day warms up, and brightens even more. It was absolutely
beautiful. guess I'll have to try this in installments.
December 04, 2001
Whew! We finally have the Christmas shopping finished. Now all I have to do is
finishe making some gifts and wrap the stuff, and
make Christmas dinner.lol I have been craving chocolates and sweets all day. But
I have only sneaked 3-4 m & m's at a time,
because of the med thing. I've lost 15 pounds in the last few months, in a way
it's good to loose some weight. But, I feel deprived,
sometimes. I may be hungry, but I usually end up watching everyone else eat but,
I am getting to wear my daughter's hand me
down jeans.lol At any rate, I have been a bad toadie. I binged on chocolate
covered cherries, a large milky way and did my best
Franken-weeney walk through Wal-mart. A forum poster made a comment about her
symptoms being visible while in public, this
year. I can only wonder what that must be like, it must be scarey, and hard on
your pride and vanity. Sometimes, I wonder what it
would be like to be able to ride my bike whenever I wanted to, where ever I
wanted to, for as long as I wanted to. At least until my
butt got sore. Sometimes, I hear a clock ticking, am I the only one? I try to
fit more into everyday.
December 03, 2001
Pwinkle, I love the biker Santa. He almost looks like Johnny. hehehe I have been
experimenting with some rather self indulgent
decadence. Of course, my definition of decadence is probably much different than
most people. hehehe. Eating and enjoying the
flavors of foods is at the top of my decadent list, because I can only eat at
night without having to constantly worry about the
protein interference’s and my meds failing. Friday, Johnny and I went out for
supper. I had a sirloin steak, broiled scallops, French
fries, salad, and we split a stuffed portabello mushroom. Needless to say my
meds went kerplop. We went to a couple of stores to
do some scouting for Christmas gifts, we weren’t very successful at finding the
presents we had in mind. We did browse through
a new local arts and crafts supply store. I found an area on wood sculpture,
otherwise known as whittling. I looked at the chisels,
and other sharp tools and told Johnny that would be something different for me
to try. But, Johnny says I should stick to painting.
hehehe. I do enjoy the hunt for items or gifts, though. The search for the just
right present within my new budget restrictions.
When Johnny and I were both working, we could walk in to just about any store
and pick up whatever Johnny, Jennifer,
Christopher or I wanted, and not worry about spending too or how much. It’s
different now. But as far as stuff for me, I’m still
cheap, lol, I haunt the dollar stores. I did have a little trouble with the
holiday shopping crowd. Mostly with the more loud, abrasive
or rude shoppers, you know the impatient ones who cut in line and blow their car
horns in the parking lots because they are being
general butt holes. The ones who forget what the season is really about, and are
more concerned with “the me first” thing. Mostly,
I just blow them off, ignore them. My last resort is giving them a single
fingered salute, in the Holiday spirit, I try very hard not to
do that, unless it’s genuinely called for. On Saturday, I elected not to go to
the Company Christmas Dinner Party, because I didn’t
see the point of me going there to eat and then freeze or become as slow as a
3-toed sloth. Johnny went hunting and I went
Christmas shopping with the kids instead. I also stocked up on arts and crafts
supplies, (paints, glue sticks, ect) for Christmas
gifts. We had such a good time, Christopher has my warped sense of humor and
between us making jokes and acting silly, we
caused Jennifer to spray Mountain Dew soda out of her nose 3 times. Sunday
morning, I had double chocolate chunk ice cream
for breakfast. I also, opened and sampled 4 different variety bags of chocolate
fudge graham cookies. (All the dollar store variety
of cookies, fudge sticks, pin wheels, fudge grahams, and fudge stripes).
Christopher finished what was left of my ice cream. I only
had a little bit, but it was really good and well worth the off-time, to me. At
any rate, this morning, Jenni is home sick today. Not
from mountain dew squirting out of her nose, it's just a virus. Johnny brought
in wood but I needed some smaller dry pieces to
build a fire. So, I had to split some dry wood chunks, for kindling to get the
fire started. I usually go behind the house, so that the
few neighbors that we have, won’t get scared to death. I don’t suppose there is
a much more frightening sight than a tremor
dominant parky with a splitting mall. Except maybe, when Johnny was sighting in
his rifle and I held it for him while he was doing
something else. hehehe Sandy, I am also going to be sitting down this morning to
fill out my disability application. I’ll let you know
when I get finished with the thing.
November 29, 2001
oops, sorry, i don't know how i did that. probably the usual way... lol
November 29, 2001
I wasn't a bum today, doing nothing. I guess I really don't know how. I'll try
tho. I was remiss in not thanking peggy for her earlier
support. thanks patti, it's nice to know i'm not really talking to myself. at
times i really wonder if "there is anybody out there?"
thanks sandy, that would be cool to see johnny trying to keep up with us,lol.
November 29, 2001
I wasn't a bum today, doing nothing. I guess I really don't know how. I'll try
tho. I was remiss in not thanking peggy for her earlier
support. thanks patti, it's nice to know i'm not really talking to myself. at
times i really wonder if "there is anybody out there?"
thanks sandy, that would be cool to see johnny trying to keep up with us,lol.
November 29, 2001
I wasn't a bum today, doing nothing. I guess I really don't know how. I'll try
tho. I was remiss in not thanking peggy for her earlier
support. thanks patti, it's nice to know i'm not really talking to myself. at
times i really wonder if "there is anybody out there?"
thanks sandy, that would be cool to see johnny trying to keep up with us,lol.
November 29, 2001
I reckon I’ve been over doing it lately. I got up around 4:15 am, my right side
had a slow stiffness creep into it. I usually wait and
take my meds about 6 if I can, but my right side had frozen, it wouldn’t budge.
Nothing worked, my hands had clasped together
on my lap. Jennifer had to pull my hands apart, unfold them and smooth out my
fingers with her own hands. She got the left one
uncurled, stretched out and it started working again. My right hand and arm was
stiff, unbending, inflexible, unmoving. My toes
were stiff and curled up under my foot. I had to get Jennifer to drive us to
school while I was waiting for my meds to kick in on
my right side. They finally did and I was able to drive home by myself. I’ll
probably just be a bum today, do next to nothing,
maybe eat some chocolate covered cherries that I’ve been drooling over, but
haven’t gotten into, yet. Christopher has a new cast
that only comes to his mid-thigh, and is a lot lighter than the first one (the
dr said it weighed about 40 pounds). His bones haven’t
shifted anymore, the dr says Chris may be in a growth spurt and that’s why they
may have shifted a little. But, he still can’t ride the
school bus with his cast and crutches. I should say I don’t want him to because
he’s so tall he hits his head on the bus roof and
has to bend his head down, it’s a little tough to do on crutches all at the same
time. Jenni had her hands full this morning trying to
take care of her mamma and “little” brother at the same time. She wants to be a
Math teacher, she’s such a kind and nurturing
girl,she’s wonderful with kids. All little kids just love her and adore her. It
seems like the only the little kids that like me, are the
ones that ooze meaness. The mischievious, devil children. lol
November 27, 2001
I forgot to say a special Thank you to Kathleen and Sandy for all the
encouragement, I really do appreciate it. Sandy, I'll try not to
hide my light under a basket, with the way I talk, it may catch fire. love
toadie
November 27, 2001
Johnny went up to his final interview yesterday and to formally accept the
position offer(the one used to be mine). I am happy with
him getting my old job. I know his work ethic, he always does his best and will
take care of all the work. The variety of drawings
will be a challenge for him. There are structural, mechanical, electrical,
piping and instrumentation drawings, industrial electrical
drawings, technical illustrations, and more. It was never the same thing
everyday. I’ve worked drawings for as many as 5 projects
in one day. It was mentally demanding, all the calculations, deadlines, abstract
reasoning, preparing,organizing, paperwork,
documenting revisions to drawings. And the 4+ flights of stairs up to the 4th
floor offices. No elevator. Ther are 53 steps in all.
That was how I kept in shape, (in a shape, other than round) lol Running up and
down those stairs 8-10 times a day, at a minimum.
My pd progressed and I would become exhausted just getting up the stairs when I
got there. Somtimes I would have to go up in
stages, or stop along the way to rest. Sometimes I would have to take my meds
and wait for them to kick in so that I could go up
all the stairs. Actually some of the people and their office politics was more
draining than reading the hand drawn (in pencil) 30
year old blue prints. It all got to be quite grueling on me. Johnny is up for
it. I’m just waiting for him to get his feet under him, used
to the plant and job. I want to hear him say , “Just Bring It.” or “Bring It
On.” lol
November 24, 2001
Oh my, I really shouldn't vent at 3:00 am. I sound so caustic. And then flakey,
like I'm going to bake cookies the rest of my days
and be happy.lol I don't mean to but, I get frustrated sometimes. I really
shouldn't get so wound up about somethings. At any rate,
I'm going to dig out the Christmas decorations for the kids to put up. We
usually do the tree stuff the day after Thanksgiving, but
we are digging all the stuff out a day late this year. We are so happy about
Johnny's new job. He is a little apprehensive about it,it's
new and diferent to him. A different computer drawing program than the one he
has been working on for the last 3 or 4 years. I
keep telling him, that he will be and do fine. I'm not sure if I'm suposed to
keep this all directly related to pd. I'm not sure if I can
do that, because living all day everyday with pd makes it hard to separate
things out. Does anyone have any suggestions or am I
doing okay just talking. Would you rather just hear about pd, meds, symptoms,
drs, disability insurance, social security
applications, ect and not all the peripheral stuff that I talk about? You know,
like kids, jobs, dogs, hobbies, and such? I suppose I
reveal too much of myself at times. I appologize for some of my obviously more
offensive language. I'll try to do better at finding
more appropriate words than cussing. I'm trying to find my way, trying to find
peace and a sense of where to go from here. It's
hard to go from 90 mph working to a parkie pace because I have to accept that I
can no longer live and work at the same time. I
guess I'm needing a hug. lol Some feed back to let me know what I can do to
improve, whether or not this is really helping anyone
besides my own selfish needs to get things sorted out. These seeds of self doubt
are difficult right now. I'm usually much more
secure and not worry overmuch. Ackk... I feel like I'm lecturing my teens,
absently talking to myself while I look at the tops of their
nodding heads, with their perfunctory "yes, ma'ams" Is there anyone really out
there? Is there something that can I do or should I
do to help you more? or that you would rather see more of? less of? or should I
just stick a sock in my mouth and go about my
business?
November 23, 2001
I'm rediscovering somethings that have been buried beneath a heavy layer of
dust. I'm finding a love of painting, creating things,
things with my hands, crafts that I haven't done in years. Lace, roses, flowers,
hot glue guns, glue sticks, ribbons and baskets
sprawled across the dining room table, my daughter cackles at me, because I'm
usually wearing a raggedy old Harley hat, Sportster
shirt, jeans and my old logger boots. She says it's such a stark contrast. I
tell her that they probably say the same thing when I pop
up at pta meetings.lol I've been keeping this short because it all runs together
into one long sentence. I suppose I should admit that
I'm guilty of writing in here and not keeping up with any e-mails. I've lost
touch with so many friends, I don't even mind when I
don't get replies anymore. Generally, I don't go to the forums much because I
don't like to. Some people are critical there. I don't
mind taking lumps when I mess up, but I don't like it when someone takes
potshots at me out of the blue, with an insincere smile.
Perhaps, for not meeting someone else's expectations. I've seen a different,
harder, darker side of life than most people will ever
know. I just turn the forums off, like a tv. I know, it just doesn't have to be
that way. I may lurk, but, I seriously doubt I'll post on
mgh much more. I haven't been to chats in ages. I think I've lost my interest in
some of the stuff and replaced it with living outside
in the real world. Although, winter is coming and with it even more limitations.
There are cakes, cookies, and paintings to be done.
Squished in between kids, dogs, snow and on time. I'm done sorting mental
laundry. Just had to get some things off of my mind
and out.
November 22, 2001
Ahhhhhhh... I am very thankful or grateful for many things this fine day. To
enjoy the company of my husband, kids, my brother,
his wife, my nephew, my sister and her twins. Family. To have been able to
create, plan and be able to cook a family meal that
seemed to be well enjoyed and appreciated. To see the light in a family members
eyes. The hugs, the pokes, the fun. On a different
note. We are breathing a heavy sigh of relief because my old job position was
formally offered to Johnny and he is accepting the
position. As his plant shut down or down sizing (aka: mass lay-offs) looms, we
were extremely concerned about being without
medical coverage or insurance. My son has a broken leg and I have pd. Without
insurance, it's a fortune in meds to pay for, just so
I can function. I had a very real fear of having to stop taking some of the meds
because I would rather have my kids have food to
eat. I am very thankful I don't have to choose for a while. I grew up in the
world of heat or eat Victorian homes. My Mother
stopped taking her high blood pressure meds when she could no longer afford
them. She had her pride and wouldn't ask one of us
kids to help her, so she told us that the dr said that she didn't have to take
them anymore. As a result of feeling forced to choose
between "eat or meds", she had a massive stroke in December 1993 and was in a
coma for 3 1/2 months. I am thankful that she is
still with us. Ahhhhhhh...for the small things in life, like the feeling of a
heavy burden being lifted. Yes, I am most thankful this day.
November 20, 2001
Johnny had some bleak news from his work yesterday.Whatever is going to happen
there is going to be big, painful and happen
the first week of December, as his boss put it. The company he works for has
been having lay-offs. They are now in the process
of deciding whether they will keep it running or not. Johnny went to a job
interview last Monday (11/12). I hope he gets the job. It
was for my position at the company where I used to work. They are only offering
it as a temporary position, because of the legal
stuff. My long term disability takes effect on December 24, then it will become
a permanent job opening. Johnny was kind of
weirded out by applying for my "old" job, but I think he will be happy with it's
challenges. I told him that if he gets the job, to be
careful about complaining about the last screw-up (me)lol. Oh my, in the shadow
of the financial unknowns, I'm preparing for
another family Thanksgiving dinner, and planning a rather light Christmas. Gotta
hope for the best and hope everything works out.
November 17, 2001
Whoa Nellie! This month is moving so fast. Time has just been zipping by me. I
can't seem to catch up, I can't seem to break
even. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Oh well, at this point, I'm not
sure of where I've been or if I really want to know. My
painting has been put on the back burner for a while. It's hard to get anything
to flow when my head is so jummbled. I've been
painting stary nights, snowy landscapes, stuff like that, it usually brings me a
sense of peace. The colors express my moods or
sometimes my feelings at a point in time. I reckon, I'll try painting for a
little while, instead of trying to sort through my over-
stuffed head.
November 12, 2001
Sometimes I worry about Johnny. I know all this stuff must be very hard for him
to deal with at times. He says I work too much,
do too much. I'm just trying to get some stuff done, so he won't have to worry
with it and he will have some more time to do the
things that he enjoys. I know he worries about me a lot, I don't mean to make
him worry. During the times that I wasn't sleeping, he
would get up and check on me. See where I was, if I was watching tv or playing
on the computer because I freeze. There have
been more than a few scares for him. Once, I went to roll over and fell off the
couch one time, and couldn't get up or move, or call
loudly enough for anyone to hear. I had landed on my side and shoulder pretty
hard. All I could do was lay on the floor. I used the
tv remote to turn the tv up, loud enough to wake the dead, but not my children.
(lol) Johnny came running upstairs from our
bedroom. Another time, I had frozen while playing on the computer. All I could
do was blink and move my index finger enough on
the mouse to move thru web pages until someone got up to go to the bathroom and
hopefully move me. Johnny came up,
seemingly sensing that there was something wrong. I don't know how he deals with
all this stuff on an everyday basis. I know it
must be very hard to have a hellion like me for a wife, and then see all this
stuff just happening, a disease progressing, all the meds,
the fluctuations, the hormones, the moods, the drs, the dr bills, the med bills,
the bill bills, the kids, the dogs, ackk...on and on.
Maybe he was my Angel, slightly disguised as my big Viking biker. I haven't seen
his wings yet, but he doesn't really need them, he
pretty much walks on water as far as I'm concerned. The Arch Angels, Michael,
Gabriel, Rapheal, and Uriel, I'm not sure of their
name spelling but they were some tough guys, eh?
November 10, 2001
Johnny and I had a date tonight. We went out to eat, all by ourselves. We
haven’t had a date in a long time. The last few months
and weeks have been very hectic. We have done very little without one or both of
the kids. We’ve had Christopher’s football
practices, Thursday night football games, his broken leg. Jennifer’s Friday
night Pep band, (she plays trombone). She was in the
Pit Orchestra for the School’s production of “Cinderella” and she had several
practices. She also did the make-up for the leading
characters Cinderella, Prince What’s-his-name and Cinderella’s step sisters. I
was sad that I couldn't go see the 2 1/2 hour play in
the High School Auditorium. Dystonia and rigidity set up when I sit too long in
one place. Christopher is barking at his Dad.
Jennifer barks at me. Oh my, they are at that age to test their wings and flex
their muscles. They are at different stages of walking,
talking balls of confusion and hormones, teetering on the border of teenage
years and the magic age of adulthood, 18. The
butthead years, oops, I mean the head butt years. I never expected to be retired
at 36 and filing for Social Security Disability. It
really sucks but there it is. I’m getting things in order around the house,
unpacking boxes, washing knickknacks I haven’t seen in 4
years, since moving from Alabama. Working my ass off cleaning the house and
garage. You know, do a little bit and sit down, do
some more and sit some more. Yes, I would rather do anything than fill out those
damn Application forms, I keep seeing it as an
inventory of impairments. I always try to remember what I can do and the things
I can do well. I never look at all things I can’t do
all at one time, it is too hard on me. I still haven’t filled out the forms yet.
I will have to fill them out now, because of my long term
disability insurance company says I must file immediately. Well that was what
the letter said, two or so weeks ago. Procrastination
will bite you in the booty sometimes. I’m done with my idle bitching. I feel
better, just sorting things out. I am awaiting the Sleep
Sorcerer to cast his whispered spell to send me off to land of Morpheus.
November 09, 2001
I woke up at 3:00 am. I dreamed of being chased through the streets by Social
Security Case Workers carrying torches, waving
files, and throwing more forms at me. I gotta lay off the garlic at supper, it
gives me weird dreams.
November 08, 2001
Christopher voluteered me to do a speech for his English Class. It was about
intolerance toward the disabled. It was cut down
from 20 minutes to 10 minutes, Whew! I was busy working on that all morning
yesterday. I had to take a speech class in college. I
got all A’s, but got so nervous that I puked after every speech. Well, I didn’t
throw up on any body. The kids asked a lot of
questions. They were a good bunch. I’ve been sleeping every night for almost a
week, which I haven’t done in years. So the
Effexor seems to be knocking out 2 birds with one stone. I can sleep. I feel
like the thick morning mist creeping out of the woods,
is being burned off by the sunlight.